When I read other authors work, something that captivates me, something that is really literary worthy I get this strange feeling deep on the inside of me. Am I just the captive of the green eyed monster ? Do I really become jealous with the seemingly ease that other writers seem to be able to string words together. This is really a deep question for me, after spending at least an hour reading snippets of stories and being for the most part inspired by the words of some very creative and inventive writers, I have squelched this feeling at least a dozen times. Which brought me to the question above.
I never spurn a chance to be reflective, to study my deepest intentions or try my heart.
At first glance I am grudging the success of another, I know what a horrible thought, I am appalled at my self. But with further examination I seem to have found the source of why. I question my self as a writer or an artist I am never good enough, and when I compare my self to another, or my proficiency as a writer to another much more learned experienced author or even a much younger more creative writer I find my self fighting the feelings of worthlessness, in this state everything I have ever created with these hands every word I have written with my pen becomes contemptible. and I am at that moment the lowest creature caught in the grasp of that insidious emotion that has caused so many others to give up, without knowing why. My motive as a writer is not to be praised, it is to be fulfilled within my self, as I'm sure all writers feel. Sure praise is Nice, to be complimented on something in which went your heart and soul is affirming, but true affirmation should come from within. To feel so completely satisfied with a work that came from my imagination is the thing I yearn for.
So what to do with this detestable self loath ? I promise you that the battle that will ensue is one for the books. I shall fight this feeling with fortitude and come free a little higher than when I started.
Initially dear reader I wasn't going to Post this, to be honest I hate being so transparent even with my self, so the thought of posting something I wrote for myself was a bit frightening. But upon further contemplation, I think it was always destined for the publish button. The reason I stared this blog was to be an inspiration through the things I struggle with, to other people to hopefully help them through the same battle or to inspire them to be who they are. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this, the day in which we live feeds off of competition. A lot of times we see our dreams get crushed by the feelings we will not measure up. The truth is you may never measure up, I may never measure up to be the best writer this world has ever seen, but that won't stop me from trying. All that matters is if I am the best at being me and doing my hardest to be true to who God made me. I must reming myself that if God created me to be a writer to love stories and words, won't He help me be the writer I'm meant to be ? Yes He will and He will do the same for you. So stop the comparing stop the self loath and be free.